Quote of the Day

A woman whose husband recently died said, "Don't mind me.  My brain is in the blender."  That perfectly describes  the cognitive impact of grief.

Denial has gotten a bad rap.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross did wonderful work in raising awareness about death and dying.  However, I think our cultural misunderstood her work to mean that denial is a bad thing that a person needs to move out of as quickly as possible.  By companioning people through the dying process, I have come to see denial as coping mechanism.  It is a wall of protection that people need until they no longer need it.  If we bulldoze the wall down in an effort to get people to except the harsh reality that they are not yet ready to face, then we leave them with no means of protection.  Rather than bulldozing through a person’s wall of denial I have found it is better to stand with them behind the wall giving them courage to take the wall down brick by brick as they are ready.

I like what Melody Beattie says about denial in her book, The Language of Letting Go.  She writes, “Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul.  It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.  People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.   We are sturdy yet fragile beings.  Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope.  We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.  We do this, when the time is right.  We will know what we need to know, when it is time to know it.”

The truth of the statement, “We will know what we need to know, when it is time to know it,” was played out in a woman who was living into the reality of her mother’s death.  Four months after her mother died she said to me,  “I think of her as being on vacation.”  She was expecting me to say, “Are you crazy?  Your mom is dead.”  I could literally see her relief when I said, “That is ok.  When you are ready to think differently you will.”  Six months later she is thinking differently.  The wall came down brick by brick and she is now using those bricks to rebuild a new life without her mom.

Smile at suffering

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk writes these words that I found powerful, "Life is both dreadful and wonderful. How can I smile when I am filed with so much sorrow? It is natural-you need to smile to your sorrow because you are more than your sorrow."
That made me smile.

Dance with a limp

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over he loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It is like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." Anne Lamott

Dying to Know Bringing Death to Life

I recently came across a book that speaks of death and grief in a frank and refreshing way, Dying to Know Bringing Death to Life. Here are some quotes that jumped out at me.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, talking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." Gilda Radnaer

"Grief has no measure."

"Drive like a loved one is coming the other way. Someone's is"

"Ears are vey useful when a friend is grieving. You're not expected to have any answers. Just listen."

"If they are dying, they're about to lose everything: relationships, home, dignity, health, favorite books, sunday sleep-ins, beach holidays, wine, long walks, friends, going out to dinner, building bonfires, kisses, overseas trips, barbecued sausages, assets, reading bedtime stories, birthdays, all-time favorite album, children laughing, the smell of mown grass, breathing sea air, dodging rain showers, sunrises and sunsets, wind in the hair, coffee brewing, music and poetry. EVERYTHING. Expect them to be a bit grumpy from time to time."

Hints for Coping with Grief During the Holidays

Life is never the same after experiencing the death of a loved one and neither can the holidays. However, one can learn to cope with the holidays by:

*Acknowledging the holidays cannot be the same again

*Lowering expectations-the goal is to survive

*Anticipating that emotions will intensify

*Giving yourself permission to feel

*Expressing your feelings

*Planning ahead

*Being flexible, abandon the plan if it doesn't feel right

*Telling others what you need

*Take Care of yourslef

The Why of Suicide

Two teenagers in the Stillwater area died in a suicide pact this week. The questions will forever remain questions for their family and friends. Sometimes we can live into the answers to life's biggest questions, but the questions surfaced from the wake of a loved one's suicide continue to come crashing over one's life.
The whys are disturbing and abrasive, perplexing and confusing. The whys are an unwelcome guest that continues to knock at our door. The door must be opened. The questions must be asked even though the answers may not be found.
There is little comfort in the unanswered questions, but I do find hope in knowing that I am never alone in the asking. People have been asking the difficult questions of life for centuries. Whether one is a believer or not, the unanswerable questions are often addressed to God. I take comfort in knowing that God holds the questions for us. God is with us in the asking and in the waiting for answers.

Ann Weems in Psalms of Lament writes:

O God, explain to me the cruelty of your world!
Make sense of those who make no sense!
Tell me why the faithful are shunned,
and the self-righteous point their fingers!
Tell me why the wounded are wounded,
and sorrow falls on the the shoulder of sorrow!
Tell me why the abuse are abused,
and the victims victimized!
Tell me why the rains come to the drowning,
and aftershocks follow earthquakes.
O God, is this any way to run a world?
O Merciful One, let us rest between tragedies!

Speak to us for we are your people.
Speak to us of hope for the hopeless
and love for the unloved
and homes for the homeless
and dignity for the dying
and respect for the disdained.

Speak to us, O God,
of the Resurrected One!
Speak to us of hope,
for in spite of the tidal wave of tears,
we remember your story of new life!

Tell the world again,
O God of creation!
Tell us that winter will fade,
and spring will wash us anew,
and the world will green again,
and we will be new creations
in the garden of our God.
Free us from these tentacles of sorrow,
and we will fall on our faces,
and worship you,
O God of goodness,
O God of a new green world!